12th May

Today is already 12th. I expected my period to come on the 2nd if i base on my 30 days.
And it still haven't arrived.
I have mix feelings. I do hope this time we have a BFP. However, i've been experiencing some cramps since a week ago ....like a period cramp. I don't suffer any cramps anymore these few days....but my tummy is very much bloated.

I suffered minor vomiting sensation too for the past week. In which both hubby and I hope that is a sign of morning sickness. However, i sometimes suffer vomiting sensations too when im having my period.
Another thing is that i do not suffer any severe breakouts as i usually do during this time.

I think i'm going to get a home pregnancy test kit tonight and do the test tomorrow morning.
Here's hoping!

Day 18: On our own

You know what.
I did take my clomid. But i did not visit the doctor last saturday as i'm supposed to.

I didn't feel like going at all. I just feel like the doctor is not helping much. She does not give me thorough explanation and she doesn't motivate me at all. She's just rush rush rush.....all the time.
I dread to go there really. Plus, the jabs and all the consultation is so costly.....yet it did not work. It is not sure fire. So after much consideration, we've decided to try it on our own this month. Lets just try our best and see if anything happens.....Am not going to the doctors this round. If it doesnt work....maybe we'll go back in May.

Clomid Day 4

I've been taking clomid since 3rd April, Thursday. At 1.30am later i'd be taking my 4th dosage.
So far everything seems normal. Except that i've develop a pretty severe migraine headache since Saturday and its been a nagging pain on and off till now. I'm so tempted to pop a panadol but decided against it. I don't like the idea of having mix medicines inside of me.
Besides clomid, im currently taking folic acid pills, vitamin C 1000mg, Multivites(alternate days), cod liver oil pills, spirulina pill...
God help me please. Only you can help me. Let it happen this round.

Clomid Round # 2 : Clomid day 1 (on Period Day 2)

My dear babies,

I guess, mummy won't be expecting you guys this year after all. So much for desiring a 2008 December baby. I thought that if we were successful this time around, there is a big chance of having a christmas baby! But, it was not meant to be.
Mummy was all lethargic yesterday......but more even emotionally lethargic.
Daddy wasn't much of a help, he was busy with work as usual and did not even spend time with mummy to console me for God knows I was feeling so so low.
You know, I feel so alone in this. Although I know he wants you as bad as i do....
but daddy is just not the sensitive kind. And he mentioned something last night...at that "i guess getting pregnant is only easy in movies".... which kinda bruised my heart even more. But i kept it inside and did not show my sorrow. I do not want things to get emotionally strained. I'm already down in the pitts.....I can spare myself more agony.

Sigh...

In fact, I've been having this cramps since about a week ago. Little cramps on the womb area. I was concerned what could it be. Could it be implantation? because during implantation, there are cramps too. I've never had cramps a week before my period. This time i have it ( could be because of clomid or the HCG shot i dont know) The period cramps on my first day was horrible. It felt very sourish and nagging pain. My flow was heavy even on the 1st day. Today is the 2nd day and the cramp still didn't go away, which usually does. And still very heavy flow.... My period cramps, if any, usually only happens on the 1st day. Today, day 2 and still very crampy. I feel tired. Extremely exhausted. I do not have the mood to do anything.....I feel emotionally drained and strained. The thought of having to go through clomid and doctor visits and jabs...and planned sex seems such a chore. I feel like crying....though my heart weeps....my eyes shed dry tears.

I'm a strong person. I can go through this. I can handle this........ I kept telling myself.
I thank God for blogs, i can write down my thoughts and need not keep them to myself else i would go crazy and my mind would explode with overloaded worries.


Well, lets hope for more follicles and pray for twins. I hope i can handle this. Ganbate mommy!!!

Day 30: A splash of cold water

Dear babies,

Word could not express how devastated i feel right now.
Its Day 30 today and my period came. And all my hopes to welcome you into this world this year came crumbling down into ashes. My heart aches. It hurts so bad you couldn't believe. I have no one to confide to except your daddy. Part of mummy want to put the blame on daddy......heck i want to blame everything on him so that I am not to be blamed.

Well, at least the Period came on time and save me from hoping even more. At least we could start all over again. Clomid cycle 2 here i come. I guess i have to visit my doctor again tomorrow to get another doze of clomid.

Day 24: Waiting

So its Day 24 today. I have mix feelings these days. No one to talk to....
Since Injection till today, we only manage to have intercourse for 3 times. Which is very little....sigh....either he is sick, or i dont feel well, or he have too much work or i have too much work....by the time we head to bed, we were totally konked out. I'm angry at things because it is not going as planed. We did not send as much sperm as we should up there. Sigh....

But at least we did have fun during our trip to the Hotel down town. It was a great getaway.

I'm really anxious because I have some slight crampy feeling on my womb....and am having pimple breakouts. I'm worried that it is a sign that my period is coming. I so am very worried.
I don't want my period to come. I want this round to conclude with a BFP. I can't do anything now but to wait........for at least another 2 weeks.

Day 16:

Dear Babies (OK, mummy wanna call you babies because deep in mummy's heart, mummy want twins....1 boy and 1 girl! but either of you will be fine :o)),

Today is Day 16, at 12 midnight will be 36 hours after mummy's HCG injection. Means, daddy and mummy got to start making you.

Mummy is a bit worried because daddy is not following the plan. Daddy is recovering from all the puking and diarrhea from yesterday. Daddy is weak and tired.
Mummy got to take care of daddy........at the same time mummy feel like wanting to strangle his neck. Why can't he fall sick other days?? Of all days he choose to fall sick during important date!!! ARGGGHH!!!!!!

But if it helps, mummy booked a hotel this Thursday on 20th March 08 because it is a public holiday. Mummy wants daddy not to stress himself and relax....... so thats the plan.

Luv luve,
Mummy

Day 13:

Saturday was Day 13. Was told to go back and check out the follicles if it is growing.
First time ever, the hubby followed me to the clinic.
This time we didn't have to wait for long and we went in together.

The ultrasound showed that I have many many follicles but not so good news is that, we still cannot locate any big dominant follicle. So........it wasn't very good news to hear.

I can either come back on monday to see again.......otherwise, perhaps we need a jab during the next cycle of clomid. Apparently the 100mg of clomid did not do much for me this round.

There are many possibilities. It could be that my ovulation occurs late. Or.....my follicles are just not of a good quality as it does not grow.

It was quite disheartening. However, my doctors reassured us not to think so much and just carry on and have fun as we are still young...

I feel so sad...sometimes i think....why me? why can't my body function normally...why can't I just conceive like normal people.....i dont have an answer.......i'm afraid of another round of clomid....i might just sink into depression. I pray that I ovulate this month.....help me God.

Low quality eggs

Full of hope, I went to the doctor after 2 days to see how my eggs are doing......
This time around........we still see lots of eggs....but the size of the eggs are all small......there wasn't any egg that is big enough that will work. They call it a dominant egg. Every cycle, we should have 1 egg that will grow into a sizable size that will become the dominant egg that will be able to be fertilized by the sperm.

Soooo........when she can't find the dominant egg.....The doctor just mentioned one word
"no good" and "come back next cycle after you take the clomid".
It was a horrible experience. I think God is the only one in the world that knows how hard it was for me to take those words. I don't think even hubby knows it.

I guess my disappointment showed on my face, the doctor told me not to be dishearten and we will try again next month.

This happened in February.

Though she told me it wasn't any good. We still tried...........
but this time, my period came exactly on the dot. 3rd March 08. I did not even have any chance to get hopeful this time as the period was on the dot.

I have eggs! lots of them!!

So i went back on my scheduled appointment with the doctor.
Supposedly i should have finished my course of clomid which i did not take.

I told the doctor i wish to see if i can ovulate naturally.

We did the ultrasound thingie .....very uncomfortable....a stick up your vagina thingie for the ultrasound.

And whatduyaknow...... I have eggs!! quite a lot of them too!!

Doctor was surpised that i have so many eggs even without clomid. Needless to say, we were very happy about this news. However, doc did mention that my eggs are pretty small in size. Largest about 13(is it mm or cm or wat?) We need it to be at least size 18.

So i had to come back in 2 days to check again.