Big Fat Pregnant!

Oh my goodness! I can't believe it! I just did a home pregnancy test and i got 2 lines!!!
2 clear lines!!! Today is 17th May 2008. I'm expecting my period on 2nd so this means i'm 2 weeks late.

I bought the pregnancy test kit last monday (12th May) but did not dare to test for fear of another let down. But i just couldn't bare the wait anymore and finally did the test!!! Just awhile ago!
Hubby and I are both ecstatic!!!!! We are so happy...and sooo grateful! Thank you Father God!

Will be going to the doctor tomorrow to confirm the BFP. I can't wait!

12th May

Today is already 12th. I expected my period to come on the 2nd if i base on my 30 days.
And it still haven't arrived.
I have mix feelings. I do hope this time we have a BFP. However, i've been experiencing some cramps since a week ago ....like a period cramp. I don't suffer any cramps anymore these few days....but my tummy is very much bloated.

I suffered minor vomiting sensation too for the past week. In which both hubby and I hope that is a sign of morning sickness. However, i sometimes suffer vomiting sensations too when im having my period.
Another thing is that i do not suffer any severe breakouts as i usually do during this time.

I think i'm going to get a home pregnancy test kit tonight and do the test tomorrow morning.
Here's hoping!

Day 18: On our own

You know what.
I did take my clomid. But i did not visit the doctor last saturday as i'm supposed to.

I didn't feel like going at all. I just feel like the doctor is not helping much. She does not give me thorough explanation and she doesn't motivate me at all. She's just rush rush rush.....all the time.
I dread to go there really. Plus, the jabs and all the consultation is so costly.....yet it did not work. It is not sure fire. So after much consideration, we've decided to try it on our own this month. Lets just try our best and see if anything happens.....Am not going to the doctors this round. If it doesnt work....maybe we'll go back in May.

Clomid Day 4

I've been taking clomid since 3rd April, Thursday. At 1.30am later i'd be taking my 4th dosage.
So far everything seems normal. Except that i've develop a pretty severe migraine headache since Saturday and its been a nagging pain on and off till now. I'm so tempted to pop a panadol but decided against it. I don't like the idea of having mix medicines inside of me.
Besides clomid, im currently taking folic acid pills, vitamin C 1000mg, Multivites(alternate days), cod liver oil pills, spirulina pill...
God help me please. Only you can help me. Let it happen this round.

Clomid Round # 2 : Clomid day 1 (on Period Day 2)

My dear babies,

I guess, mummy won't be expecting you guys this year after all. So much for desiring a 2008 December baby. I thought that if we were successful this time around, there is a big chance of having a christmas baby! But, it was not meant to be.
Mummy was all lethargic yesterday......but more even emotionally lethargic.
Daddy wasn't much of a help, he was busy with work as usual and did not even spend time with mummy to console me for God knows I was feeling so so low.
You know, I feel so alone in this. Although I know he wants you as bad as i do....
but daddy is just not the sensitive kind. And he mentioned something last night...at that "i guess getting pregnant is only easy in movies".... which kinda bruised my heart even more. But i kept it inside and did not show my sorrow. I do not want things to get emotionally strained. I'm already down in the pitts.....I can spare myself more agony.

Sigh...

In fact, I've been having this cramps since about a week ago. Little cramps on the womb area. I was concerned what could it be. Could it be implantation? because during implantation, there are cramps too. I've never had cramps a week before my period. This time i have it ( could be because of clomid or the HCG shot i dont know) The period cramps on my first day was horrible. It felt very sourish and nagging pain. My flow was heavy even on the 1st day. Today is the 2nd day and the cramp still didn't go away, which usually does. And still very heavy flow.... My period cramps, if any, usually only happens on the 1st day. Today, day 2 and still very crampy. I feel tired. Extremely exhausted. I do not have the mood to do anything.....I feel emotionally drained and strained. The thought of having to go through clomid and doctor visits and jabs...and planned sex seems such a chore. I feel like crying....though my heart weeps....my eyes shed dry tears.

I'm a strong person. I can go through this. I can handle this........ I kept telling myself.
I thank God for blogs, i can write down my thoughts and need not keep them to myself else i would go crazy and my mind would explode with overloaded worries.


Well, lets hope for more follicles and pray for twins. I hope i can handle this. Ganbate mommy!!!

Day 30: A splash of cold water

Dear babies,

Word could not express how devastated i feel right now.
Its Day 30 today and my period came. And all my hopes to welcome you into this world this year came crumbling down into ashes. My heart aches. It hurts so bad you couldn't believe. I have no one to confide to except your daddy. Part of mummy want to put the blame on daddy......heck i want to blame everything on him so that I am not to be blamed.

Well, at least the Period came on time and save me from hoping even more. At least we could start all over again. Clomid cycle 2 here i come. I guess i have to visit my doctor again tomorrow to get another doze of clomid.

Day 24: Waiting

So its Day 24 today. I have mix feelings these days. No one to talk to....
Since Injection till today, we only manage to have intercourse for 3 times. Which is very little....sigh....either he is sick, or i dont feel well, or he have too much work or i have too much work....by the time we head to bed, we were totally konked out. I'm angry at things because it is not going as planed. We did not send as much sperm as we should up there. Sigh....

But at least we did have fun during our trip to the Hotel down town. It was a great getaway.

I'm really anxious because I have some slight crampy feeling on my womb....and am having pimple breakouts. I'm worried that it is a sign that my period is coming. I so am very worried.
I don't want my period to come. I want this round to conclude with a BFP. I can't do anything now but to wait........for at least another 2 weeks.

Day 16:

Dear Babies (OK, mummy wanna call you babies because deep in mummy's heart, mummy want twins....1 boy and 1 girl! but either of you will be fine :o)),

Today is Day 16, at 12 midnight will be 36 hours after mummy's HCG injection. Means, daddy and mummy got to start making you.

Mummy is a bit worried because daddy is not following the plan. Daddy is recovering from all the puking and diarrhea from yesterday. Daddy is weak and tired.
Mummy got to take care of daddy........at the same time mummy feel like wanting to strangle his neck. Why can't he fall sick other days?? Of all days he choose to fall sick during important date!!! ARGGGHH!!!!!!

But if it helps, mummy booked a hotel this Thursday on 20th March 08 because it is a public holiday. Mummy wants daddy not to stress himself and relax....... so thats the plan.

Luv luve,
Mummy

Daddy is Sick

Dear Baby,

I'm anticipating making you. The doctor already gave mummy a jab and probably tomorrow mummy will start ovulating. Both daddy and mummy are very excited to start making you.....
but.............all of a sudden, daddy just go sick today....Like REALLY REALLY sick.

Daddy puked and had diarrhea and puked and puked and diarrhea...and then puke again....
Mummy is so worried for him.....wanted to bring him to the doctors but he refused to go. He didn't have dinner and his last meal was noon. Mummy cooked nice dishes today....marmite prawns!!and miso soup. Thats to celebrate mummy's beautiful follicle. But daddy didn't even getto eat them.
Mummy sent daddy to bed now and daddy is sleeping. Hopefully daddy will be well enough 2morrow so that we can work on making you. Sigh....otherwise, all mummy's taking clomid and jab will just be a waste..... Today's bill at the doctors came to about RM205.

Apart from feeling tired, mummy also experience some cramps at the womb. But now mummy wants daddy to recover and be strong.

Luv,
Mummy

Day 15: Good Egg!!

[Monday: 17th March 2008]

Today is day 15. Since the not so good news we received on Saturday about no dominant follicles, I went back again to do the vaginal scan.
Initially we did not find any dominant follicles....except that the follicles we saw on Saturday was slightly bigger now....
Then we saw it!!!! 1 big and good follicle!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!
It measures around 20mm or so. My heart leaped with joy!!!
So the doctor gave me a jab. We were to induce the ovulation.
In 36 hours, we need to shag. and then do it every other day.
I'm excited!!! Baby come to mommy!!

Day 13:

Saturday was Day 13. Was told to go back and check out the follicles if it is growing.
First time ever, the hubby followed me to the clinic.
This time we didn't have to wait for long and we went in together.

The ultrasound showed that I have many many follicles but not so good news is that, we still cannot locate any big dominant follicle. So........it wasn't very good news to hear.

I can either come back on monday to see again.......otherwise, perhaps we need a jab during the next cycle of clomid. Apparently the 100mg of clomid did not do much for me this round.

There are many possibilities. It could be that my ovulation occurs late. Or.....my follicles are just not of a good quality as it does not grow.

It was quite disheartening. However, my doctors reassured us not to think so much and just carry on and have fun as we are still young...

I feel so sad...sometimes i think....why me? why can't my body function normally...why can't I just conceive like normal people.....i dont have an answer.......i'm afraid of another round of clomid....i might just sink into depression. I pray that I ovulate this month.....help me God.

Day 11: Folic Asid pill

So today is Day11.
I had an appointment with the doctor to check up on my egg's development.
Supposed to follow up on Day 10 but doctor was on leave yesterday.

Went to the clinic.........massive crowd...omg.........my doctor must be very rich...she has so many patients!!!

Waited for about an hour or so......that is even after i called in to book my place in the morning......
So when my turn came, we did the ultrasound thingie....supposedly for checking my follicles(a.k.a the beginning stage of the egg)?? I'm not sure is it called an ultrasound because a stick thingie is inserted into my cervix and we can see on the screen my ovaries.

So we saw quite a number of follicles.....pretty similar to last month. They were small.......we couldn't locate any of a good size, but towards the end we found 1 which the doctor exclaimed that this seems to be a good one size 13.9. Thats the good news.

I need to go back on Saturday to check again. We need to observe until the follicle is of a good size......then we shall procreate!! (a.k.a shag like crazy!! :p)

I asked the doctor what can i do to increase the chances because i already took clomid.
She gave me some folic asid pills. It prepares the inside for pregnancy. She told me normally the first round taking clomid might now show much difference so lets cross our fingers......otherwise we have to keep trying again next month.

Doctor also mentioned about some jabs that she can give me to enhances the enlargement of the follicles. We can have 2 jabs. But it will be a pinch to the wallet cos it costs RM200 per jab (approx USD63). She asked me if i would like to have that jab.....i couldn't decide.

In the end, i decided no jab this round.....if we fail this month, lets do the jab next month.

Otherwise, if i change my mind, we can also have a jab this saturday. Let's see if hubby wants to come along this sat to see my follicles. heheee.....so far i've always go there on my own.

Clomid - Day 1-5

So, since it did not work again naturally........I studied more about how clomid works and its effects on the internet. I know what I will be going through and felt ready to give it a go. So I gave in to clomid.

I started on clomid on Day 2 of my menstruation as advised by my doctor.
I don't know why she told me to start on day 2 because from the research that I have done, most doctors prescribe clomid either on day 3 or day 5.

I did not take note of the dosage that I had. But i presume by taking 2 tablets per day. I would be on the 100mg dosage.
I realized that usually the first time taking clomid, should go with 50mg first.......and slowly increasing the dosages the next cycle if unsuccessful.

Anyway, I was careful taking clomid. I was told to take them at the same time everyday for five days. I had mine 7pm sharp every day.........except the last day, i was glued on the internet and forgot about it till 7.30pm. about half an hour late. Not too bad. :)

Secondly, I read up about some side effects that could arise by taking clomid and some of them are such as:

- headache
- increase mood swings
- blurry vision
- pain in the ovary
- hot flushes
- multiple pregnancy
- tired

Soo.............. did i suffer from the above symptoms??
yup....but a pretty mild one. Not very bad.
I felt slight dizziness on my head. My vision are blurry but i am short-sighted so it does not make much difference......

On Day 1 and day 2 i did not have ANY symptoms at all and i was like.....oh cool......no side effects on me!!! this is great.......

But i began to feel EXTREMELY tired day 3 onwards.....very very lethargic and sleep a lot.
I felt very easily agitated and moody. Very unlike me!! because i don't normally have PMS symptoms even......

[edited: I just remembered that another symptom that i experienced by taking Clomid on my period cycle day 2 onwards, i felt cramp all over my womb through the whole menstruation....i normally only have slight cramps on day 1. But with clomid.........the cramps was throughout.....and slightly more severe. Also, i realize i had bloated stomach and felt very gassy and farted alot too.....]

Today is Day 10 for me (calculate from day 1 of menstruation). Clomid on day2 through day7.
was suppose to see the doctor today but she's on leave!! haiya......wasted my time to go over.
Anyway, will be going tomorrow to see how the eggs are doing.

We're suppose to shag every 2 days from today and hopefully will be successful in conceiving.
The good thing about clomid is.........we have 10% chance of conceiving twins(pray hard for 1 girl and 1 boy!!) 1%(or lesser) chance of having triplets......yikes.....

Low quality eggs

Full of hope, I went to the doctor after 2 days to see how my eggs are doing......
This time around........we still see lots of eggs....but the size of the eggs are all small......there wasn't any egg that is big enough that will work. They call it a dominant egg. Every cycle, we should have 1 egg that will grow into a sizable size that will become the dominant egg that will be able to be fertilized by the sperm.

Soooo........when she can't find the dominant egg.....The doctor just mentioned one word
"no good" and "come back next cycle after you take the clomid".
It was a horrible experience. I think God is the only one in the world that knows how hard it was for me to take those words. I don't think even hubby knows it.

I guess my disappointment showed on my face, the doctor told me not to be dishearten and we will try again next month.

This happened in February.

Though she told me it wasn't any good. We still tried...........
but this time, my period came exactly on the dot. 3rd March 08. I did not even have any chance to get hopeful this time as the period was on the dot.

I have eggs! lots of them!!

So i went back on my scheduled appointment with the doctor.
Supposedly i should have finished my course of clomid which i did not take.

I told the doctor i wish to see if i can ovulate naturally.

We did the ultrasound thingie .....very uncomfortable....a stick up your vagina thingie for the ultrasound.

And whatduyaknow...... I have eggs!! quite a lot of them too!!

Doctor was surpised that i have so many eggs even without clomid. Needless to say, we were very happy about this news. However, doc did mention that my eggs are pretty small in size. Largest about 13(is it mm or cm or wat?) We need it to be at least size 18.

So i had to come back in 2 days to check again.

To clomid or not to clomid?

To clomid or not to clomid? That is the question.

I have NEVER heard of clomid before in my entire life.
I am also very apprehensive of drugs.........I try not to take any. The only miracle pill i believe in are vitamin pills......

So when prescribed with clomid, I was skeptical about it.........and I was perhaps in denial too although it is difficult to admit. I did not want to believe that i need help to get pregnant.

My doctor wasn't a very good one. She has too many patients waiting in line that she rush things and never took time to explain anything to me. It was just........"yes, nope....you are not pregnant. Take this today for 5 days and come back on this date........ out you go..."
I hated that........but i have no choice.......i go to her out of convenience. I would prefer my family doctor......but i was uncomfortable to go to her on this due to certain circumstances...

At home, I googled and learn up about clomid.
Was slightly disturbed at some of the side effects of clomid. Consulted the hubby and decided that.......lets give ourselves another chance. Lets see if i can ovulate naturally without clomid for this round because I was to go back to check if im ovulating properly.

So........I did not take the pills.

False Pregnancy again!

After the first blow, we kept on trying again.........

I started to study and read up from the internet on the many ways to increase chances of pregnancy. I tried to guess my ovulation and calculate a better time for sex....

I admit, my desperation for a baby has effected our sex life somewhat.....I did not enjoy sex as much as i would have...........sex is just pure work......

Had my period in Sept....and October too.............
then.............no signs of period in November.........neither in December.......noooorr January!! 3 months?!!! I did not have any particular symptoms of pregnancy.....but some nauseating sensation. I was a little skeptical....i guess i tried to build a wall around me in case i should fall hard again.......once bitten twice shy right?
We were very very hopeful this round.........longest time ever of missed period!
But..........2 pee sticks results in a single line (Negative test). Though sometimes home pregnancy test may not be accurate................it still has a 99% accuracy.

I became impatient and i need to know whats wrong with me. I never experienced such delays in me period. Ever! My period have always been regular. Every month! If i am NOT pregnant(pray hard that i am) what is going on??!! You know such things can really torment a women.

Soooooooooo..........i began to search for a clinic and found one near my residence.
I thought, what the heck......lets just go and see...

So i dropped by the women specialist clinic and registered myself.

I explained my situation to the Lady Doctor. And...........she asked me if i have done a pap before?
I said nope.............sooooooo immediately i got a pap smear done.
The doctor also did a breast examination for me and thought me how to feel the breast for lumps. I guess being late twenties, it is inevitable for such test.

We did an ultrasound too and my uterus looks clean n healthy with no growth....phew!! thank God!

Sooooooooo.......the doctor told me that she does not see any preggie thing going on in there....so nope not pregnant. We took my blood sample to test my hormones too.

So i went home and waited for the Pap test results and also my blood test results.

I tested my blood pressure too and it was on the high-side. Though nothing alarming, i need to do something about this high blood pressure.

Doctor told me to come back when the results is out....and then she will see if she needs to give me anything to induce the period to come.

And then my period finally came on 31st January 2008.
I also got my Pap smear test results and blood test results.
My Pap smear results was normal. My blood (hormone test was.......ok except for a slight abnormality in which one was higher than the other that was suppose to be the other way round.....i don't quite understand this because i was not given a clear explanation...should've asked)

The doctor gave me clomid pills and asked me to take them. It was day 3 of my cycle. I wasn't sure if i'm ready for drugs.......so i went home to discuss with the hubby.


[continue next post.....]

False Pregnancy

Around August last year 2007.
I skipped a period. I was so happy......I totally thought that i was pregnant! haha
I felt pregnant, I walk like i'm pregnant, I had pregnancy symptoms like nausea, lethargy, vomiting sensation, hunger pangs.....etc.

We thought that this is it! we hit homebase!!!
So i bought a pregnancy test kit, went home.........and waited about a couple of days (period about 2-3 weeks late)

First time ever learning how to do a pregnancy test. I make sure i had enough pee and peed on the stick.

Then the whole 10 seconds of waiting for the lines to appear seems like eternity and at the same time is the most heart wracking experience in my life!! My heart sank down to my stomach as I only saw 1 line. I stared at the pee stick for what seem like ages. But the second line never appeared.

The hubby was a sweetheart. He was afraid that I will be very upset.....and so he kept looking and trying to find a trace of the second line! haha.........we were so funny.......
he'd go "hey, i think i saw it....there there.....can u see this....ya....i think there's a line...."

but.........actually there wasn't any second line.
I was puzzled because of all those preggie signals my body is sending me.......i did not know what was going on.


The period finally came in a couple of days........so much for the anticipation.

Married for 2 years, trying about a year

a little background on my journey.

I have been married for 2 years. We did not want children immediately. So hubby and I used protection. We were busy with work and our careers.
A year after, we feel that we are ready and so off goes the condom.

We wanted children, but at the same time our attitude was kinda relax and just "let things be". If little Jr comes we accept with open arms, if little JR doesn't come.......we carried on with our lives....and just keep trying.

Month after month after months of trying...........it began to slowly eat me up inside. I felt frustrated.......miserable........and wondering what in the world is wrong with me. I am young (below 30) and have regular periods. Nothing seems to be wrong........but I was shy to see a doctor. So we kept trying.

['continue next post.....]

asimplebride to asimplemother!

I guess it is a journey, to be a bride........and later enter into motherhood.
I've decided to start a blog though we are not pregnant yet!! So i am yet a mother........
but i'm hoping........so this blog will be about my journey to motherhood. Hopefully!

This blog is really rather personal. I just want to jot down my journey to having a baby. And maybe one day, I can share my journey with them(my baby/babies) :) I hope to also share my experience with those who eventually come to this crossroad that I am crossing.......at least it would be helpful.